I miss me.

I was 16 when I had my first daughter. It was 4 days before my 17th birthday and I was IN LOVE. I was so excited to meet this tiny little baby, born almost two months early. She was everything I had ever dreamed of. Madisyn Lyra, "my good star". I took her everywhere with me. Youth group, running errands, to hang out with friends...she was like those little puppies that people put in their purses or pockets. I was SO PROUD and SO THANKFUL to be a mother to this precious little one.

Then I had my second daughter and she was absolutely magical. She was Jada Mae, my "precious gem" and I was elated. The three muskateers. Everyone assumed that they were twins because Lyra was so tiny and Jada was born just hours after her due date (06/06/06 ---I held it in until the 7th!).

Being a mom felt like magic. There was nothing I wanted more for my life. I had help from my parents and we thrived. We went to concerts and music festivals and baked and cooked and danced in the kitchen, we built tents and forts and crazy art projects -- moved to Indiana! WE LIVED.

Then I got married and I had Avalie and Eleanor and my husband had a son that I took on as my own for a season also. And everything was homemade and diy and every holiday we made some amazing handmade gifts and birthday parties were themed and brilliantly planned weeks in advance. I worked on family nights and chore and behavior charts and I homeschooled and did all the things. I tried my absolute best to make their childhoods magical.

Then I left. My nervous system took a MAJOR tank in my marriage. MAJOR TANK. Leaving, I thought would make everything better...and it kind of did. The abuse didn't stop...its just less and not in close proximity -- the kids still get it though (not physical, dont worry). The panic stopped. The dreams still run rampant, but the magic that I held myself too is gone.

In the two years of leaving, I moved twice, had carbon monoxide poisoning to the point of almost dying. Got pregnant with Ezra - endured that whole situation and am still going through court cases. My nervous system is still not happy, despite me finally feeling like I can start to let my guard down and let my nervous system rest. Truly rest. I only choose safety for me now. And I listen, truly listen to my body when it says to slow down.

But I do miss me. I miss the mom that did all the things and threw Science Parties and Valentine's Parties and exquisite tea parties. Ezra gets a totally different mom. And parenting Ezra is a completely different experience. I feel like I am starting form scratch and its wild. I hope as he reaches these full toddler phases and I learn how to regulate his nervous system (and mine) that I find myself again and get back to the mom I used to be.

I dont miss the woman I used to be, frazzled and stressed and hurt; but I miss the mom I was dedicated to being.

I hope to soon find her.

Stay tuned....