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One of the greatest anomalies as an autism parent is being in the throes of autistic parenting - pause, let me explain what being in the throes means to me: Insomnia (on his end and forced insomnia on mine) Extreme demand avoidance Meltdowns lasting from 5 minutes to 2 hours Sensory processing issues Violent outbursts for seemingly no reason Speech regression (sometimes to the point of only making sounds or only choosing to sign) Hyper fixation on the most mundane (to me) top

There was this amazing season of Ezraisms where Ezra had decided that he was going to only listen to Danny GO! in Spanish. I was working at my parents house one day and Ezra was in the living room rocking out. It sounded familiar but wasn't 100% sold on what I was listening to. I came out of the room on my ten minute break and said "What are you doing, bud?" and he said "Danny GO!" and I said "that doesn't sound like Danny GO! and he said "It is, I just only speak Spanish now

I'm a pretty open person and I enjoy having my beliefs challenged because it makes me understand myself and my beliefs more, or it pokes holes in my thought process and I can reevaluate. In my parenting I have read countless books over the past 22 years, I have ebbed and flowed and understood that each kiddo is different and that calls for differing views and perspectives. There is a difference between a kid who like cheese pizza and one that prefers pepperoni vs children tha

I am not ultra religious. I haven't been for a very long time, due to a lot of really nasty people in the world making me take a massive step back from literally anything organized. Maybe I myself am also not organized...I dont know. I do have faith and loads of it. But that's not where this is going. I got pregnant when I was 16. That's young. Too young. And the dad walked out, walked away. We didn't know we were pregnant with our second. That was the first time I heard "God

Avalie is a 12 year old honor roll student and is one of the most creative people I have ever come in contact with. Eleanor is a 6 year old girl, with a diabolical sense of humor and also diagnosed with autism (Level 1). This is their experience. What's your favorite thing about having a sibling with autism? A: I dont know. He's really funny E: Playing with him because he gets to learn and he learns about games What's the hardest part? A: Waking up in the middle of the night

I think all parents doubt that they are doing the right thing. I know for me, I am a researcher, and my research gets to be researched and even then, sometimes, I don't know that I am doing the right thing. The internal dialogue is rarely silenced. Today, as I sat in my "office" (bedroom) and was working, my dad was hanging out with Ezra and took him outside to play. Ezra picked a couple of flowers, he told my dad that he had to bring them in to me, that "Momma needed flowers

We have a new addition to the Holiday household. I had been considering getting the kids a pet. At first I thought about a fish, because who doesn't like to watch them glub glub around? Then I considered a turtle. But it's not really anything you can "play with". I landed on a cat. And around Mother's Day I had decided that we would go to a shelter to pick out our new family friend. Something in me told me to wait. And the next week, my dear friend reached out to me and she

I had an old friend that would tell me this phrase repeatedly about people in my life: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." I have changed so much - intentionally and honorably over the years. I know that change is possible, but I also know that it is through self reflection and dedication that I choose to always elevate and be the best version of myself. I also know that most people will choose comfort over change and gladly excuse their behaviors for simple

I was 16 when I had my first daughter. It was 4 days before my 17th birthday and I was IN LOVE. I was so excited to meet this tiny little baby, born almost two months early. She was everything I had ever dreamed of. Madisyn Lyra, "my good star". I took her everywhere with me. Youth group, running errands, to hang out with friends...she was like those little puppies that people put in their purses or pockets. I was SO PROUD and SO THANKFUL to be a mother to this precious littl

When all of this started with Ezra - the 2 1/2 hour meltdowns and the insomnia and regressions and what felt like insanity...I felt like...I was okay, at first. This wasn't my first rodeo. This wasn't even my first child that didn't sleep, or that cried frequently, just maybe not this intense. Not my first child that didn't like their car seat, etc. But all of my creative go to's to make things better, just seemed to be null and void. Nothing worked. So I started this journey

Grief. So much grief. There's this amazing book called The Hotel Under the Sand by Kage Baker, in the first chapter the author talks about this young girl named Emma. Emma was on a great adventure that started off with massive waves of all consuming grief. It then says that if Emma started crying now for everything that she had lost in the waves, she would never stop crying, so she got up, brushed herself off and continued on her way. I have experienced layer upon layer upon

If you haven't gathered from previous blog posts-- I love being a mom. Adore it. It's what I wanted to be when I grew up (next to a teacher and a ballerina). What I don't absolutely love -- all the children shows. As soon as the tv turns on "Mom! Can we watch bluey?" "Mom! Cant we watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse?" ........................ ........................ Mom.................. Cant we watch baby shark?! (NOOOOOO!!!!!!!! It's BANNED in my house) Ezra likes to "dance" (sti

I have this friend/mentor/guru. She is one of my favorite people. We'll call her Sarah (mostly because, this is her name). I started seeing her in the early throes of marital turmoil, when the narcissistic abuse was at it's peak. She was doing some amazing work with emotions and learning to heal past trauma. At the time I blamed myself for everything that was going on in our marriage (mostly because I was told that it was all my fault). She taught me this amazing modality cal

When I found out I was pregnant with my deeply desire daughter, I was 16. I remember the day that I knew I was pregnant. I was at the fairgrounds with her dad, we were sitting in the Grandstand waiting for some country music artist to bless us with his vocal chords. I was elated. He...was not. I looked off to the east and saw this MASSIVE dark cloud rolling in. Queue sirens. I popped up and I could have outrun the best sprinter in the land. I was jumping over tent ropes, dod

I am apart of many "mom groups". I always have been. From the "Crunchy mom" to the " young single mom" to the "Toddlers with autism mom" and they all have their own stigma, right? Like the crunchy, hippie, granola mom's don't do food coloring, probably don't shower, I'm not sure what else comes with that. But then you have "autism mom" and I figured as an autism mom we probably all have adrenal fatigue, insomnia, and crazy schedules; however, in one of the support groups, so

Well, that was a trainwreck. December wasn't terrible. I got to spend the entire month with my sister from Portland, did a thousand activities with my children and loved ones, of course celebrate Christmas (7 times!) and rang in the new year with Ellie and Ezra asleep on my chest while I watched the ball fall in Times Square. Ezra aged out of all of his Early Intervention therapies. He did the thing. I cried. Especially after Miss Christy left. I pray that these providers kno

I don't know why it has taken me almost 20 years to realize what being an adult is. The beautiful mix of freedom and brilliance not just responsibility and taxes. I had kind of a breakthrough when I decided to paint my room a super dark teal. Then dreamed about painting my bathroom black (I haven't done it yet, but I am kind of obsessed with it). Not everything has to be white and grey and clean cut and perfectly pristine. I have had a lot of a-ha moments, but my favorite was

I'll answer the title, before even telling you the story. This. Is. Insanity - Outrageous - Unpredictable - Nervous system exhausting B.S. Ezra has been diagnosed autistic (level 2) since April of this year. He has profound sensory, tactile, vestibular and proprioceptive needs. He will absolutely talk you in circles, he is very bright and clever and speech is not one of the things that we have to worry about any more - after VERY DILIGENT work. Developmentally he is at the ag

I don't understand what's happening. I didn't know until a few years ago that not everyone dreams. And out of the people who do, not everyone dreams in colors, or has sound to their dreams. My dreams have always been super vivid, colorful, rememberable, and like I am watching a movie. I have experienced traveling, sharing the same dreams (or very similar), reoccuring dreams, dreams that seem to come true, sleep paralysis, sleep walking (only once when I was a kid - that I kno

When I was married, he would laugh at the number of times that our children would say "mom". He always said that I needed one of those clickers to count. I would tell my children: "Guys, look, I'm right here, you dont have to say 'mom' before you say something to me. I am always listening". "Okay, mom" I think Eleanor and Ezra are the worst (or best?) at this. They would definitely have the highest "mom" count. Sometimes I am really good at ignoring the number of "mom, mom,