Being an Adult

I don't know why it has taken me almost 20 years to realize what being an adult is. The beautiful mix of freedom and brilliance not just responsibility and taxes.

I had kind of a breakthrough when I decided to paint my room a super dark teal. Then dreamed about painting my bathroom black (I haven't done it yet, but I am kind of obsessed with it). Not everything has to be white and grey and clean cut and perfectly pristine. I have had a lot of a-ha moments, but my favorite was this week.

It is Thanksgiving week and I grew up in a family that really emphasized cleanliness, perfectionism and keeping your i's dotted and t's crossed. Keeping the peace was highly valued and still is. I still struggle with perfectionist tendencies and it has become a very big burden in my life because NOTHING is perfect. Ever. For anyone. Ever.

I brought my children home on Thanksgiving Day. I was sick and we chose to isolate at home alone instead of infecting family and friends with whatever death cold I had managed to catch. I decided that being the adult was going to look like making really big messes and my children feeling safe to do so; build memories while I drank different homemade concoctions of herbs to bring myself back to life. I decided to let them explode with emotion (good, bad and ugly) and let this be a safe space for them to do so. My children are allowed to be mad at me and are met with compassion and listening ears instead of defense. My children are allowed to take up space and exist; there is PLENTY of room for all of us. My children are allowed to be creative and dark and enthusiastic and colorful and bold an brave and not confine themselves to any "standards". They are allowed to be and act their ages. Wildly and wonderfully and respectfully

But respect doesn't equal sitting down and shutting up; being seen, not heard; etc etc.

As an adult, I am allowed to make new routines, new rules for my family and new traditions. I am allowed to let them completely cover the floor in chalk dust as they excavate gems, sharks and spooky things.

We are allowed to cover ourselves in markers and build memories.

They are allowed to take up space. So am I, but I am still learning that lesson - I hope they get to learn it long before I do.

I get overwhelmed and frazzled like the rest of the over stimulated moms on the block, but I LOVE being able to let them build memories in the mess and the chaos. I like being able to be my children's safe space so that they can be loud and wild and run and laugh and play.

I have plenty of growth and plenty of things I am working on, both as personal growth for myself and myself as a mother, but I am happy with the realization that being an adult doesn't just mean cutting all my hair off, and giving myself bangs; or deciding to get a new tattoo, or spend money I don't have on a coffee I don't need; it also isn't just in my philosophy of leaving people in a better state than what I left them in; it's also being free to be a totally different person -- a black sheep and bring a totally different experience to my kiddos.