Duality of Emotions

This is one of my biggest learned lessons over the last couple of years; the duality of emotions.

It's a beautiful conundrum, not just the ebb and flow of emotions that come and go throughout the day, but feeling extreme excitement and extreme sadness - or any two opposing emotions - at the same time.

My oldest daughter is getting married and I am both overwhelmed with happiness and a deep sorrow that my smallest little Lyra is grown up.

My second oldest daughter moved to Kansas City and the devastating grief of her being gone and the unimaginable and overwhelming joy of watching her experience life her own way.

You see what I mean?

This week I have court for Ezra's "dad" and I am experiencing an unhinged sense of fear and utter relief that this is almost over. The fear of the unknown and trying to visualize every outcome so there is nothing but the appearance of grace and calm is very difficult when it comes to a scenario where a complete stranger gets to make choices for your son, not knowing his best interest.

I wish that things were different, I wish that things were different for Ezra, I wish his "dad" chose to show up and be present and involved, I wish that there wasn't so much hostility on his end. I have forgiven all that he has done, I just want peace, peace for me, for Ezra, for "him" and "his side"; and I am willing to fight for my son, because this is what real parents do.

I am weary, I am vigilant, I am ready to be done and I am at the end of the war. Ezra has come so far with his care team; I have come so far with navigating stalking, harassment and all that we've endured; I've learned how to be at peace and know that regardless of how anything turns out, I can and will adjust. I am hopeful and scared shitless. I have an amazing attorney and everyone who needs to support Ezra and his best interest for life will be there.

I just have to stay standing until Friday.

I would apologize for the rawness of this blog post, but without the raw, what even is this?

Embrace the duality of all that you are; the good and the bad; the light cannot exist without the dark; love wouldn't be so brilliant without knowing hardship.

So much love to you all.