For the love of Phil Collins

Every single time that I have been pregnant, I weep, and I mean I can be in the middle of laughing harder than I have laughed before. And BOOM tears just stream, and I SOB over the song "You'll Be in My Heart" by Phil Collins.

Stop. I can hear your eyeroll.

I have assigned songs to all of my children; they all have their own lullabies. Not written by me, but assigned by me.

My oldest daughter, Lyra, I instinctively knew I was pregnant with her. I was at a fair and there was a tornado warning. I was pole vaulting over tents and running as fast as my legs could carry me. I went into an old schoolhouse and coward behind a display case of old school items. An old gentleman came over and asked if I was okay, and out of my mouth came "NO! I'M PREGNANT!". Shocked by my own words, the next day I went and got a pregnancy test done. Her name means "good star". Her song is Baby Mine by Allison Krauss. We decided to watch Tarzan, because it had been a while. And in my mind, the hormones just took over, it was ok, pregnant women cried. This was the first time.

My second daughter, Jada, I passed out at the coffee shop I was working at (maybe more than once) and my employer told me to "figure out what was going on and don't come back to work until you do". I had gained only five pounds. Went to the Dr and they said "either your uterus is inflamed, or you are pregnant". Clearly my worst-case scenario brain jumped to cancer. Nope! Six months pregnant! SURPRISE! Her name means "precious gem". Her song is Go To Sleep Little Baby by Allison Krauss. I was at the fair (again. I don't go to fairs anymore, just to be safe....kidding!) and it was being played at one of the rides, I had to sit down to collect myself, this was before I even knew I was pregnant. But now it all makes sense.

My third daughter, Avalie, I found out I was pregnant with her the same day my ex-husband and I signed the lease for our coffee shop, Brewed Awakenings. We made "Thing 1, Thing 2...." shirts and invited our family to the coffee shop to announce. Her name means "sweet little songbird". My granny was dying towards the end of my pregnancy and Avalie was actually due on my granny's birthday! She always called me her little songbird. She died in August, Avalie was born in October. So Ava's song was His Eye is on the Sparrow. Phil Collins "You'll Be in My Heart" came on at a local ice cream shop and confectionary. My ex and I were laughing and having a great day, sharing a banana split and the song came on and my ex-husband said "Oh no" and I started laughing harder and said "why is this happening?" And the tears just fell. We had to leave.

My fourth daughter, Eleanor, was a Mother's Day announcement. I took the pregnancy test at 4 a.m. on Mother's Day and was so ecstatic! My family was complete - I thought! Her name means "wise light". Her song was Panda Bear by Kimya Dawson. My ex-husband and I were at a comedy show, watching my best friend, Joel do funny things. I didn't know it was Disney themed. Had I known, I would have been better prepared. Queue comical, uncontrollable tears. Un-con-trollable

Ezra. Sweet Ezra. Of course, I heard the song in the wild while I was pregnant with him - at the grocery store of all places - but after he was born, the lyrics sank in even more after all we've been through.

I swear that song was written FOR HIM:

Just stop your crying it'll be alright.

Just take my hand, hold it tight.

I will protect you from all around you.

I will be here, don't you cry.

It was written for my autistic son. I heard it in the middle of meltdown mania, and I cried, ordered a pregnancy test and it was negative (there was no possibility, but pregnancy tests are a forever thing for every single oddity my body does). Nope, this was just normal "holy shit, this song was written FOR HIM."

Ezra Sage means "wise helper" and his song is You'll Be in My Heart by Phil Collins. And now I will cry every time.