There really isn't three seconds

Being a mom is one of the most beautiful experiences I have had throughout my life. I have been a mom longer than I have not been a mom. My journey started very early on. I started having dreams of being a mom from the age of 11, I was so excited to be a mom - even at 16 - a dream come true.

During my decade long marriage, I had the utter privilege of being a stay at home / work from home mom. I was honored to homeschool my children, homestead, make everything from scratch (including laundry detergent and cleaning supplies). My two oldest daughters finished their curriculum early and both graduated at 16, with great grades. My 3rd grader was doing 7th grade math and 11th grade writing and post high school reading comprehension while I homeschooled. They are my life's one true miracle. My now 5- year-old is also ahead of her peers when it comes to reading and letter recognition. I have been blessed beyond measure in this lifetime, with such a beautiful family and the opportunities that I have been given.

Ezra has also come so incredibly far. He talks now and signs when he gets too over stimulated or when things just aren't right. He knows all of his letters by recognition, not reciting them. He knows all of his numbers and can count to thirty by himself. He knows the names of sharks and all the dance moves to most "Danny Go" songs. I was so scared he wouldn't be okay. I was so terrified that his life was going to be void of color. Obviously, that's not the case.

I was so scared that the traumas that I've experienced in my life would be bestowed upon them. And I am still scared now a lot of the time.

Single motherhood is so beautiful. I find so much joy in being able to interact in their day-to-day, how they will eat, the activities that they get to do with me (swimming, dancing, arts and crafts, limited screen time). Single motherhood also comes with so many challenges and one of those being EXTREME burnout.

I wake up every morning with a renewed sense of "I've got this". And the utter excitement that I get to make one more cup of coffee with coconut creamer. Some days I make it until bedtime without feeling the intense overwhelm, but lately that hasn't been the case.

Ezra now has five therapy sessions to keep track of, plus Dr. Jake and heaven forbid he should need to see his primary doctor. On top of that I am the only provider for our family and so I do what I need to do to make money - I nanny and am a master reflexologist. Everything is working well, all the cogs are oiled and working together in perfect harmony (as long as I don't break down).

But sometimes with the hustle and bustle of life gets too much, or Ezra is having a regression week, or the other girls are feeling emotional, need extra help, the meltdowns are many and we have everything else on top of it all, by the time I sit in silence for any amount of time; I break.

I cry, I melt, I scream. I lay on my bed, in my dark teal room, and stare at the paint like it might do a magic trick. I tuck myself into my bed with some fresh fruit and just ....... be. I leave very limited space is reserved for any other human being during these times.

Sometimes my bed doesn't even feel safe and the room starts spinning. My neck and shoulders are so tight that I feel they are made of the dry clay figures we made this week. And just one more thing can tip the apple cart.

Ezra's care team had recommended that I use my dominate voice, my "stern teacher voice" when Ezra is...having a go. I have never been that person. I don't have a very "stern" voice. If anything it'll get a little sweary. A little fucky. A little "what the shit just happened?!". Or in a "I'm over this day" defeated voice "welp, there goes my coffee" as it is knocked over for the third time that day. I tried the "yelly mom thing" and it just doesn't work for me. Not for us. Chaos become more chaosy. Coffee became less coffee-y. And I was MISERABLE. I cannot afford to have a meltdown along with my children, and all it did was cause them to have their meltdowns harder and with more frequency.

I love the question "what are you doing for you?" I love it so much that I wrote a post on self-care - not only as ideas for readers, but also as a reminder for myself. When I look back at the topics of posts I've written before I rewrite something I've already put in text, I see it and I think yeah....a bath. And then Ezra says "mom" 700 times and Ellie asks for a "white popsicle" and Ava wants to watch true crime and all of that supersedes mom's epsom salt bath. However, in the throughs of single motherhood, even the simplicity of showering alone is literally impossible. I may spend 7 minutes alone after the kids go to bed. But, usually I am crawling to bed myself and I hate to admit it, but a lot of the time I think I fall asleep before some of them do.

I am thankful. Remarkably thankful for overall healthy children, with amazing brains and creativity. I am so thankful for my parents who watch them so that I can have a moment to breathe, because without that, the white padded room would be calling. I am thankful for Ezra's care team because together we have made it so there is hope for Ezra's outcome. I am thankful for this modality to empty some thoughts and have support. I am thankful for the friends and family that surround us and on the days when I just cant I have friends who CAN. Or who can at least tell me that "I've got this" (as much as in the moment that cliche phrase pisses me off).

This last week, I ironically had a conversation with someone who told me that I "absolutely have three seconds to spend texting someone a response when they text". And as I assessed a truly chaotic day for those "three minutes" I decided that those three minutes that I do get to sneak in are good for some responses, but truly are good for a deep fucking breath. Or let's say, wiping my butt without the kids in the bathroom (don't worry, Ezra is undoubtedly standing on the other side of the door saying "mom, why door's closed?!"). Many days I truly don't get three seconds and if I do, those are mine.

I wouldn't change this life for the world. I would absolutely take a few more hours of sleep and quiet cup of coffee on my porch in the morning, but I am more than happy with this crazy chaotic cluster of a life that I have been gifted.

I write this, not as a complaint by a long shot, but rather an explanation, an acknowledgement that there is such an incredible duality to life; to parenting and with multiple children and a special needs child life - this gorgeous, chaotic and coffee filled life - is so much more than people see from an online persona, random posts that I toss up on Facebook, or a blog post that took me almost three weeks to get entirely completed.

Show grace to yourself. Show love to others. And never assume that what you see on the outside is what is the inner workings of someone's day to day routine.